Leave it to me to pick out a girl that just so happens to have a load of unattended baggage. Well, I guess I could pick out anyone from the dining hall on any given day and they'd always have problems with whatever people have problems with these days, so I guess it's inevitable and nothing to really complain about. Perhaps instead of being a point of contention, it's really a fulcrum I simply need to learn to use, and then use it, of course. I guess it's mostly just annoying for the moment because I don't intend to maintain my current status as confidante. It's fun to just be friends with good people, at least.
I figure I'm not being at all too tactful about any of this, though. The only obvious displays of affection I can ever manage are in private moments, not that we're always accompanied or surrounded, it's just that I'm very certain those displays are not all appropriate for me and her right now. In every situation, then, the only way I can actually express any desire for anyone is by being a friend, which is wholly counterproductive to my ultimate ends and isn't it just like me to now change my mind about the whole thing? I shouldn't be fretting and worrying about speeding this whole thing along. Maybe this is supposed to start with watching Fight Club and then Kill Bill the next night. And then, what does it matter if it starts absolutely nothing at all?
There are these train tracks in town that lead to places. We were told that if one follows them, they go to some nice little spots. Me and her decided to walk along them today. They're defunct, not used now. Some of the ties are shattered, and most of them aren't even straight. The surrounding forest isn't dense; you can see brightly and dimly colored houses in the distance through the trees. The ground immediate to the tracks is packed by all of these rocks. They crunch when you step on them and make this noise like bones rattling if you drag your feet and kick them, except it sounds more musical than that, but only if you get it right. We didn't really have all day today, so we only went so far as this bridge. It was slow to get to the middle of it, since it's not really meant to be walked on (there are gaps between the ties that have nothing under them). The bridge is over this river. I don't know which river it is. It was windy. She suggested that we bring a kite next time. The water was perfectly blue and wrinkled all over, and the top of the tree line was yellow and orange while it's skirt was still green and the ground it stood on was brown like it always is/will be. We talked about all different things. She talked about her problems with her recent ex for a small bit, but then she talked about other things: movies, school, the broken glass we would see in between the loose rocks, the way she wears brown-colored contacts even though she's got blue eyes. I haven't seen them yet.
I hugged her good night yesterday. It was one of those side-hugs, but still different. Somehow, my chin found itself on top of her head, the hard bone of her skull cushioned by her hair and maybe some kind of sentiment? I wish I could remember if it was me who pulled her close or if it was her who cocked her head towards me, and if it wasn't all because she was so dead tired.
Fuck me. It's like I enjoy being some kind of idiot.
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Grizzly Bear: "Two Weeks
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