Sandbagging

I really hope I can finally leave everything behind. I hope I can get everything done that I want to get done for myself. I'd be very disappointed in myself if I don't, not to mention I'd end up taking it with me. I really have to leave everything behind. I'm confident that I will, though.

This doesn't make too much sense

Well, how much pain do we bring upon ourselves? Now, I don’t mean stupid decisions, stubborn habits, and undesirable personality traits. I mean, how much of our emotions do we just make up? If we really miss whoever, or if it was just a stupid fling we had that we want to have meant something, try and convince ourselves it wasn’t a shitty waste of time, maybe. If they really get on our nerves, or is it just absolutely nothing about them, it’s just the way it’s become. If whatever feelings of inadequacy are just childish attempts at getting attention from other people. Do we really like them, or have we just gotten desperate about trying to quell any deeper problems that also may not exist? Do these emotions only exist to satiate some bullshit desire in our lives for drama or feeling? Why can’t we just remove any sentiment and purge every painful feeling that we have for someone? It’s so stupidly simple to rationalize doing so. Of course we shouldn’t fall in love when we know it’ll never go anywhere. We shouldn’t stay in love when we know the person isn’t good enough for us. It doesn’t matter what we wear today to anyone but ourselves. No one cares if we didn’t hold a door open or said something mean or not. People like us, we’re just too scared to think that it’s real or just too childish to agree. You just have to keep telling yourself that you’re doing more wrong to yourself than anything else is.

I wish it were so simple, so effective.

Kids in Africa died today with empty stomachs and families in Israel are still broken by war and the worst news of the day is you feel a little shitty? Well, yes. It’s a chronic feeling, and even if it isn’t, it’s still a problem. The horrors of another land may make it seem like less of one, but it still doesn’t fix it. No one chooses to get beat or dumped or to feel bad about themselves no matter what they try. Sometimes bad is the only way you can feel. To try and make a problem seem transient compared to another obviously worse situation doesn’t fix the brooding insecurities of the body or of the mind. It doesn’t move you out of your house and it doesn’t put you to sleep any faster. The way you feel isn’t made up and your frowning isn’t insignificant. The gripping feeling on your neck is proof that you don’t make it up. The razor blade that plunges into your shoulder and the low tearing noise it makes is proof. The dirty sink is proof.

And I’m sure the beggar children in India want you to feel good, too.